Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
