Who wears a wallet chain?!
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
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