shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
