your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
