Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
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