i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Randomize
