I cannot find my penis.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize