If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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