im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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