im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
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I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
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Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
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