i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
