If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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