how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
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