Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Please don't give away my fajitas
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
