You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
