I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
