oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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