I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
is wine microwaveable?
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
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