I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
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just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
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Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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