legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Randomize
