Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
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