just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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