I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
