Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
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