You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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