Pants 0. Shit 1.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
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