You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I think i got beer on your cat.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
