I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
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