so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize
