its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
