It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
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This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
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I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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