I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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