That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
