i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
