Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize