I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
