Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
