my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
