First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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