My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
