You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
