I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Randomize
