The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
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