You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
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and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
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I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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