Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Randomize
