So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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