I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
