So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
