The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Randomize
