drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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