girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
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