david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
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