Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
