I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
