but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
